The Peace Within

I have been trying hard to keep myself at peace.

As we face our busy lives everyday, sometimes we forget the most important priority to take care of in order to make ourselves efficient and effective in our lives: yourself. I had almost forgotten about myself, about who I am and what I can do to keep myself balanced and happy. Please remember that this is very important, because if you are not happy with yourself, you will have a harder time building a strong foundation in your life.

I practice yoga and meditation on a consistent basis, and enjoy reveling in the beauty that is our world. I accept my flaws and embrace other people’s understanding that we are all alike in being human and are all unique in personality and interest. Needless to say, along this journey of diaper changing, working, cooking, and cleaning, I regretfully admit that I have not found inner peace, nor embraced my inner self to it’s fullest potential.

When I would do yoga, the asanas more specifically, I would not focus on my soul and more so on getting the postures done. I was worried because I was wondering why I did not feel completely sated and relaxed every time I would do my yoga. I didn’t think much has changed in my routine, nor faced any physical difficulties when I would do the positions. Then I realized that that was my problem: I kept nitpicking through everything without fully understanding that I practice yoga to embrace who I am and what I am. Duh.

Now I know and understand. I need to not feel bad about wanting time for myself; that I want time to recuperate in order to be a better person. It is hard to have a life that keeps moving without breaks. Despite that I love my ongoing lifestyle, I still need to take time and breathe. Many parents, especially, understand this very well. It’s hard to concentrate when you are fatigued and running on low fuel all the time. But I know now it is better to take time to rest in order to enjoy life at it’s fullest than to run through it quickly and never understand why you lived in the first place.

Remember that. ❤

 

Fascination

I had just put Luke to bed for the night.

To end the perfect day of cleaning, mothering, and wife-ing (?), I am seated in front of my computer with a nice glass of red wine. I was just reminiscing about a conversation I had had earlier with someone, a friend I suppose, who writes books. His newest literature revolves around English Poetry and as he began to discuss in detail his fascination in documenting his ideas and watching them unfold into something far bigger than he has primarily begun to envision, it is then where I had thought about the countless ideas I had had to write a book.

“Do you really need to major in English to understand how to write?”
“No, dear, you only need your biggest ideas, your wildest imagination, and the patience to put it all together”

Before, I was in awe – to say the least – about how many people put themselves out there in the most competitive fields, such as art, writing, fashion, etc… and not allow any letdowns bring them to their knees. Criticism is a huge factor that many enthusiasts use for constructive purposes, as well as attempt to let it prevent them from grasping the dream they so passionately pursue. As I understand it, everybody is different. Every perspective is different, every taste, every life in general (is it really life that influences difference perspectives?) As I explained this to my friend who writes, he explained to me that some of the stupidest things that people see in one thing can be the biggest motivator for another. Some people believe, because they hold so much to their own perspective, than anything that defies or denies it are completely wrong.

“Don’t let anybody tell you who you are and how you feel. We are who we are, we make mistakes, we create, we learn. Anybody who does not open their mind to this, who does not agree to this, are those are most blind to their own greatest potential”
“I know. But humans are who humans are”

And we are, aren’t we? We can only be who we were made to be. Who we challenge ourselves to be. Maybe one day I will write something, out of curiousity, out of independence of my own routine, my own expectations. I will be spontaneous.

 

Love and Marriage

Married.. with Children.
I love this show. Absolutely awesome and hilarious. I was lucky enough to get a season for Christmas.
Any time a male friend of mine, who is involved with somebody [married or not], watches this show with me, they cannot verbalize enough how much they idol Al Bundy. Every time Al cracks a sarcastic joke or comment to Peggy about their marriage, you will hear at least one of my friends say, “Yep, been there my friend” or “See, Al knows what he’s talking about” or the infamous “Yeah, I know how that feels”
I took the liberty in asking why they felt that his sarcastic comments were true examples of a relationship, they just mumble that I wouldn’t understand because I’m a woman. PSH. Whatever. [I’m sure they were just joking..]

Although I cannot hear those comments enough from my husband, or dad, or any other man that walks into my work and mutters something about their wife [some women do the same too] I suppose after watching the entire season on this fine Boxing Day, I began to ponder about the real true foundation of love and marriage. I mean, you can’t have one without the other, right?

Well, many people who talk to me about it often surprise me. I speak to many men at my work, and some of them, though they love their wives, feel that their relationship has hit a routine. Too monotonous. Sometimes, I feel obligated to ask why they feel this way [since they mention is every time they come in] and the common reply is that they’ve “been through it all, seen it all, and that’s it” What? What does that mean?

I am happily married, in an open marriage I should add, but nonetheless the fire still burns and the spark is still alight. I just don’t get it. When you get married, and you understand and take the commitment to last your life with the one person you love, why do things change overtime that hang the first reason why you married the person over a cliff of indecision?

My parents had separated before when I was eight (or nine or younger – I’m not sure, it was a long time ago) At the time, I did not understand thoroughly what was happening. I mean, why did my parents separate? What changed, really? They did fight often, mind you, and seemed to have a hard time coming to mutual understanding and agreement about certain things, but when you marry someone you would believe that when the going gets tough, the we understand it’d be rough. And when things get rough, we try to remember why we wanted it in the first place.

Now, I am sorry. I should not spear judgement on those who feel personally affected by this. I mean, many marriages last through everything, and still keep their love aflame. Many marriages separate, then get back together with a new beginning and hopes. And these are the marriages that prove that true love does exist and is much more easier to find than many people realize.

I suppose after watching Al Bundy mutter insults to his wife and do everything in his power to prevent sex, I wonder, what’s gotta be so bad about that? And those many people I hear sputter dead romance about their partners aren’t a majority. And I understand that many factors come to play right in the beginning of a relationship anyway. You need to see what you want in the person you want to be with. Especially in the type of relationship you want in the first place (that’s the first thing you should look into before you get involved with somebody) Anyway, I suppose it all depends on time, and how much of it you have to be patient with your partner until you start thinking of ways to insult her/him without them knowing.

Gotta love Al. ❤

I Miss You Size 3

My body is no longer the same.
It is so hard to get back to my size 3! I am so frustrated with all my attempts; why can’t my metabolism go back to the way it was (and I’m not even in my mid-20’s yet!) Every day I dream of when I used to be thin and fit, and it is upsetting knowing how you could be something so easily and now find it much harder to achieve the exact same goal. HELP..

I understand that diet is one main factor to take into consideration when you want to lose weight, but once your body has plateaued.. what now? I am trying to keep consistent in exercise 6 times a week (I don’t want to crash) and keeping a clean diet (eff you cravings!) but it gets so tiresome and drives you insane!

I know many women out there can relate, but there are some lucky ones who are able to go back to pre-pregnancy weight just like that. I envy those women, so bad right now in fact, that I wonder what secret their genetics have in such an amazing advantage. I want that advantage! I mean, I don’t look fat. But I’m not exactly really skinny either.

As I was reading Cosmopolitan, I noticed an article that favoured over many female celebrities who, after having a baby, have kept their curvaceous form without any hesitation about it. BRAVO. I mean it, seriously. I am glad that many people are noticing this new trend and are feeling more accepted towards “normal”-sized bodies. In hope, this will spread and remain a trend for awhile.

But why can’t I feel that same way about myself? Why do I have such an obsession in being skinny with my size 3? Why do I wish to have a tight body like a model? Honestly, I can’t really explain it. It is an obsession I have had since I was 13. Maintaining a thin frame wasn’t exactly easy, but it wasn’t as hard as it is now either.

I don’t even want to be skinny skinny, I just want my tight body back. That’s all. I wish I had something magical to keep me going strong on my clean diet, or more energy to push more workouts. WHAT DO I DO?

Maybe I will stop by a health food place and pick up a craving killer or something. I would go to a gym but I’m afraid that the consultant will say anything for profit. And plus, I don’t want to spend money on something I know I won’t commit to, right?

Well, as I was straining over my weight and desperately seeking answers to melt it away, I came across a workout that seemed very enticing yet, I am sure, inappropriate to some people. The exercise is called Pole-dancing Fitness. It just seems so exciting and fun to do! I would love to join a pole-dancing gym and commit to exercising. Plus, it would add some fun and a better sexual image for yourself. A complete sexy confidence booster, right?

From what it seems as I was looking through one local sight, is that many women seem to go for it. And enjoy it. Many fully-booked classes – I’ll bet! But this was certainly an alternative I was thinking about. I mean, you work out your entire body while you expertly move around a pole. I can imagine how many calories you burn from that!

Anyway, I suppose I will look more into it. I really need help with this.

Ready or Not?

Big Question: Should I have Baby No.2?
For some time, I have been feeling like I want to be a mother again. I have found myself rereading my old pregnancy books and going over memories of my last pregnancy. I am not sure if it is that I feel I am ready to have another baby or if I just miss being pregnant.

I am sure many mothers, or parents for that matter, feel that way. I suppose it depends on many factors to take into consideration. For example, I have been going over my financial budget to see if we can afford another baby. As well, how it would affect my husband and I to add another member to the family.

So far, there doesn’t appear to be any red flags regarding both finance and relationship and family structure, and truthfully, I think it would be good for Luke to have a sibling to play and grow up with. I found having a sister very comforting many times when I needed her, so I wouldn’t doubt that it would bode well for Luke to have the same experience.

I guess now what the next question should be is when should we really start thinking about this. I think what I will do is get all dolled up for my husband tonight [since it’s our couple’s night], give him a night to remember, then right after blurt out, “Should I take a pregnancy test now?” and see what he says.

KIDDING. The last thing I want in my nice house is a man-shaped wall in it. Well, I suppose we will see what happens!

The Angel

iloveangels. ❤
This post contains mature subject matter that may offend readers. Read at your own risk.

I had a dream once where I was in love with an angel. He had no name; he had dark hair, a handsome chiseled face and a built body. He was beautiful. I usually train myself not to be allured by handsome men, but for some reason I could not stop myself from staring in awe. His eyes followed mine and for what felt like minutes we were locked in an intense gaze.

He broke our gaze in an instant and looked both ways before crossing the street.. to me. My body froze and my immediate instinct was to fight or flight. But why would he be coming to see me? I have no idea who he is. Coming back to my senses, I began to turn the other way to home. Immediately, I felt a grab on my arm and a tug into a warm, hard body.
Then a manly voice, one that would catch any woman’s breath, “Are you Tia?”
I turned and found myself gazing into the handsome face I had caught moments ago. “Yes. Can I help you?”
Then, without any hesitation, he picks me up and hauls me over his shoulder.
“Hey! What the fuck do you think you’re doing!?”
“Saving you”
I look around, completely confused. “From what?”
“You will see”
I kicked and screamed and everybody around was looking at us. I motioned to one gentleman nearby to help me, but after taking one look at this gorgeous, built Adonis he merely looked away and scurried faster to his car.
“Help me, please!” I screamed after him. No luck.
The angel brought us down into the wooded area near the school and propped me on a rock. He went down on his knees in front of me and stared right into my eyes.
“Listen to me,” he began, not breaking eye contact. “I have been asked to protect you and keep you safe and secure. So it would be wise for you to stay quiet and do everything I asked”
“Everything you ask? Like what?” How could I honestly not ask that question?
He rolled his eyes, to my dismay and bitter embarrassment, and pointed to the sun. “The Earth will be gone in less than two days, and your bloodline needs to be kept protected for the future”
“Hmm, right. If you don’t let me go, I swear I will scream”
“Really?” He cocked one eyebrow. “Well if you wish-”
At that moment, I kicked his groin and began to ran off. I heard a stumble in the leaves and then suddenly, a huge force knocking me to the ground.
“Stubborn aren’t you?” the angel breathed in my ear. “Keep still”
I tried to fight in protest but within seconds I was rolled onto my back and his body was on top of me.
“Stop” I breathed.
“I can’t. It’s God’s will” He pulled me to my feet and suddenly kissed me. I tried to step back but his arms held me tight against him, and within an instant, I blacked out.

Later, I found myself awake and in a motel room. At first I thought I was dreaming [in the dream], then when I realized what was happening I sat upright and looked around. The motel room defined the word cheap very well. There was faded green wallpaper around the room which had inside it a large bed, which I was occupying, a kitchenette and a small bathroom. I stood up from the bed and peered out the window. It was nightfall and the area the motel was in was not familiar to me.The door was inches from my reach. I looked around to see where the angel was and heard the soft sound of the shower running.
“Perfect” I said, reaching for the door.
A hand grabbed my arm, “Not so fast” The angel turned me around and held my arms to my sides. My mouth dropped instantly as I took a long-lasting look at him: his hair was completely wet, his eyes furrowed and intent, the stubble on his cheeks and chin grown a little more than when I last saw him. And to my lucky stars, he was wearing nothing but a towel. His lean, flat chest and stomach in front of my face, his towel-covered waist inches from mine. I cannot deny that my fingers itched to grab them.
The angel bent his face closer to mine, “You cannot leave”
“But,” I was speechless. “I need to leave. My family-”
“We don’t have time. I cannot let you see them”
“Please” I begged. “I’m nothing without my family”
“I don’t understand” He seemed confused. He looked so sexy with his eyebrow cocked.
“Family. My family, you know? They are important to me. And what about my son and husband?” I tried to wiggle free from his grasp but my arms stayed put where they were.
The angel seemed confused. “You have no son or husband”
“Yes I do!” I yelled. I felt something catch in my throat. What on earth is he talking about?
“Tia, you do not have a son or husband, okay?” In anger, I ripped my arms from his grasp and bolted for the door. In no time, the angel wrapped his arms around my waste and hoisted me in the air.
“Stop! Stop, please! Leave me alone!” I screamed. I tried to pry his arms from me but he was too strong. “Please don’t do this”
“Tia! Remain calm!” he yelled as he threw me on the bed. I tried to sit up but his body was already on top of mine, his covered waist in between my legs.
Suddenly, the angel froze.  I looked up at him, confused. His eyes stared into mine and his body relaxed.
“What is it?” I asked, nervously. What’s wrong?
He bent his face down toward mine as if to kiss me, then stop suddenly just before his lips could touch mine. He seemed to be battling something within him, an urge or thought [I honestly could not tell] then made his decision. He began to sit up and off the bed.
“I feet.. different. Something I had not experienced before” he began. “This is new”
“What do you mean?” I slowly sat up, eye-fucking the door like no tomorrow.
“I mean, I feel heart racing. When I look at you. It’s certainly different” He turned to me with confusion. “I don’t understand”
“Angels do what God asks them to do. You don’t feel human emotion” I said, remembering a line from a movie [I cannot recall that movie at this moment]
“Well, we’re not supposed to feel them. But sometimes, when we stay down here long enough, we begin to feel.. human” He stared into my eyes, then began to walk towards the bed. “I feel as if, I want you. I want to protect you and keep you”
I stared, amazed. “You do?” I blurted, like an idiot.
“Yes. You feel different than anyone I have ever met. You make me feel, in general” He sat on the bed and leaned towards me.
“But, I’m married” Moment killer.
“You’re not married. Tia. Nor are you a mother. I feel though, that you would like to be one some day” He bent closer so that I was lying on my back.
“I..” And at that moment, he kissed me. He held my face with his hand as his lips fought with mine in desire. He shimmied his body on top of mine.
“I want this now” He whispered against my lips, and in that instant he took off the towel that covered his sculpted waist and let his huge manhood spring free. “Please”
“I do, I do want this,” I begged. The angel took the hem of my mini dress and pulled it over my head, throwing it to the side of the bed. “Take me, please” I breathed between kisses.
He cupped my naked breasts and grinded against my sex. I moaned and wrapped my legs around him. It was then that I realized I was entirely commando that whole time. What the fuck?
He then slid his hand down towards his manhood and put himself inside me. I cried out in joy and pleasure and grabbed his behind. “Harder,” I moaned. The angel did as I had demanded and I could feel my orgasm start to come alive. His heart raced against my skin, and his breathy moans made my skin shiver.
“Tia, come” he commanded. I tilted my pelvis higher against his large manhood, feeling his thick girth inside me, and that was when he hit the spot that made me come apart. I screamed as I came and he kissed my mouth. Within two strokes, the angel cried out as he came hard, then relaxed on top of me.

In that instant I awoke, my first time orgasm in my sleep. I was lucky that my husband was asleep on the couch in the living room.

Merry Little Memories: The Classics

The favourite holiday is just around the corner ladies and gents.

Christmas.

Those Christmas commercials are inhabiting the TV again! And of course, it’s working. Please don’t chastise me, but I have begun to get into that holiday spirit. I am currently listening to Bing Crosby’s It’s Beginning to Look A Lot Like Christmas. For those of you who celebrate Christmas, I am sure a few of you at least have started to listen to the ol’ classics.

And honestly, isn’t Christmas just beautiful? When I say this I am not just referring to the act of gift exchanging; it is such a joyous holiday, I find. It is full of pleasantry from the music you hear to the movies you watch to the decorations you see on houses and stores. Rare is it to find anything negative about it (aside from the constant reminders of how expensive it is) But in a way, it is worth seeing the look on people’s faces when you get them a gift, isn’t it? Admit it, part of you agrees that it is fun to shop for people for Christmas for the specific reason.

I have to go back to the tunes I’m listening to. Every time I hear Christmas songs from Bing Crosby, I just melt because I start to remember every Christmas I have experienced with my family. My mother has Bing’s White Christmas CD and would play it often in the month of December (especially when we would put the tree up) I think that is also the reason why I love Christmas so much: my parents have always made it fun for us. Knowing my mother – as sweet and patient as she is – she enjoys passing on her love for that holiday to my sister and I. There has never been one year where she did not decorate or prepare for Christmas.

Now it is my turn. This is Luke’s second Christmas, and the first year we will be celebrating it in our own house. We are planning on buying our first Christmas tree this weekend, then the weekend after (first weekend of December) we will put it up, blast some Bing Crosby, Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin, and revel in our first Christmas tree setting tradition.

This is also a reminder that I need to start my Christmas shopping. The earlier the better so I won’t have to worry about it last minute!

Cheating: What Happened To?

I cheated.

The words you wish you hadn’t said followed by regretting the events that transpired you to say them. What is it that people think right away when you hear the words “I cheated”? Deceit, lying, guilty, revenge? As fortunate as it is to have a freedom of choice in our own paths, it is unfortunate that we make choices that bring us down wrong paths. And sometimes, some very wrong paths. And to add, sometimes hurting people while doing so.

To clarify, I have never cheated on my husband. But in the past, I have cheated in past relationships. And in one case, maintaining two relationships at the same time. I am sure you are all wondering, “Why would you do that?” To be quite honest, there was no good reason why I did this. And all the reasons I have counted were all based on selfish needs – hardly inquiring at all at how this would affect the people I was cheating on. And that is what’s scary about cheating: it is so simple to do.

A lot of people may counter that it is not simple to do, that the guilt and regret that follow are very hard to deal with. True, but these feelings only follow after you’ve cheated, right? Thus, the simplicity is not very hard to see behind it. But I suppose what you should wonder before pondering upon how simple it is, is if it’s worth it.

First, let us regard what may drive a person to cheat:

1. Loneliness: Robyn and I had arranged to do a fantasy with someone I knew. Everything was planned – Luke was sleeping at my parents and we had arrangements at a hotel to meet. The individual came, prepared and excited, but yet nervous. Really nervous, actually. At the time I could understand because it was his first fantasy, so before we even did anything, I asked him if he has spoken to his girlfriend about the fantasy. He explained to us that it was fine and that his girlfriend did not mind (erm, right) So continuing on, we were just getting into some foreplay when I realized that he was having trouble getting it up. Wow, awkward. Nonetheless, I was very understanding because. duh, he was nervous. After much trepidation with this issue and a long-lasting hour of foreplay, we decided to call it quits. Because I was so curious as to why he was overwhelmed with being nervous, I decided to ask him about it. If it’s his first time he should understand that it’s okay to be nervous. Suddenly, he confessed that he was not ready for it and, truthfully, his girlfriend had no idea what was happening. He felt extremely guilty because he really loved her, and he never wanted to hurt her. I was so  frustrated with the fact that he was not honest with her and the situation he had put us in that I kicked him out of our hotel room – blurting out that he really needs to talk to his girlfriend about his priorities and learn to respect her better. Following this I could tell from the way he spoke about her and their relationship that it was obvious he was lonely. His girlfriend was very work-driven and was finishing her master’s in International Business. Because she was always studying and tending to her own affairs, he did not feel very much a part of her life.

In this situation where people may feel lonely in a relationship, then is a good time to have a serious talk regarding priorities and what you each need from the relationship. Understanding that each person has their own things they need to do or want to do, it is efficient in a relationship to have individualism. BUT there is a difference between maintaining priorities and still being a part of the relationship than maintaining priorities and being apart from the relationship. When getting involved in a relationship, people need to understand and sometimes forget that the person you’re with is with you for a reason: to be with you. Rather than taking the “easier” road in getting attention, you really must take that opportunity in finding out why you feel lonely. And let your partner know! If you feel they don’t understand, then that is a bigger conversation you two need to seriously reconsider.

2. Temptation: We are who we are: human beings – civilized yet still loaded with primitive needs. And sometimes for certain individuals, primitive needs may overcome civility and morality. I am sure most people would dismiss that temptation would overrule civility and morality easily, and for most it does, but as it is, we cannot deny the satisfaction of our needs being met – no matter what consequences follow. I am sure many of you are acquainted with the story of Adam and Eve and the Snake. Despite the many luxuries God had given Adam and Eve, they still fell for the cunning snake’s words leading to their temptation to take a forbidden fruit and eat it.

It is certain for one thing that we cannot deny that fact that there are sometimes some people we find attractive who are not our better half. There will always be qualities about people we will be interested in, whether it is good looks, a good personality, etc. But what matters is if the person you are with already has everything you want in a person. If you find yourself saying no, then maybe you really need to think about what it is you truly want.

3. Selfishness: If you choose to cheat on another person, understanding fully that you are showing total disregard of their feelings, then you can’t steer away from the fact that you are being plain selfish. As unfortunate as it is, there are some individuals out there who believe in “living life to it’s potential” – many of which choose to by taking everything they can out of life (and sometimes, other people’s as well) These people usually do not care about anybody but themselves, are highly egotistical, are eminent thrill seekers, and are highly intelligent, highly practiced scam artists. And from what I usually witness, many of these people are deemed very good looking. That is their advantage.

These certain individuals usually are aware of what they are doing (though, there are some of them that are actually not aware). The ones who are aware – as I refer back to being scam artists – believe most of the time that they deserve everything they want. And usually, they get everything they want. When in a relationship, as they have been in many, they are skilled in maintaining character when showing how much they “care”. Despite this, their inner morals are highly unconventional. They believe staying with one person, and only one person, is time wasted and that life is only lived once. Believing this, they usually try to maintain composure in the relationship to keep the individual as their “back-up” while having sex with others behind their partner’s back. The “back-up” is usually used as the structure of all relationships; basically proving to the selfish bastard that everything is balanced and that he can still be in a “long-term, real relationship” while enjoying a lifestyle of freedom and pleasure. This is the main stereotype media portrays men to be (no worries ladies, it’s just television. Don’t believe it!)

For the ones who are not aware of what they are doing (as rare as it is) they merely practice this way of life out of habit or just because that was the influence they grew up with since they were young. These few individuals you will find will actually start to become guilty and empathetic towards the partner they are hurting and find themselves caught in an inner battle between morality and the influence of life they only knew. Their way of life is similar to those who are fully aware of what they are doing.

4. Revenge: It hurts to be cheated on. Why do you think many of us are so insecure? Who likes being on the wrong end of that stick, really?

So what happens if you were hurt badly by someone you love, whether it’s being cheated on or lied to or whatnot? What is your initial reaction? I am sure many of you are in the spotlight of wishing crabs or the clap upon that person (don’t deny it) Or, some of you take it a step further. How malicious and satisfying would it be to see the look on his face if he/she walked in on you with someone else? Don’t lie, I know you’re smirking at the thought!

When you hear the saying “a kiss is sweet, but revenge is sweeter” the sad part about it is that it is true. In many cases, it is gratifying and relieving to see the person who has hurt you go through some sort of pain themselves. Usually this thought happens just after the painful incident has occurred. So why not twist the Golden Rule a little and make it into something more tempting: Do unto others what they have done to you.

Cheating as a revenge is usually bittersweet because though it may have it’s advantages in self-esteem boost, it is also a huge guilt-driver. Purposely choosing to hurt someone by cheating for revenge can leave a little bit of bile in your throat, I’m sure.

5. Miscellaneous: There are other many (unfortunately) other reasons why people choose to cheat. Whether it’s for self-humiliation or infliction for S&M or an excuse on a drunk night with your pals, people do cheat.

Now please take one thing into consideration: just because people cheat does not mean it is likely happen to you. And (though I hope not) if it does, just remember to be the better person. You are stronger as the person who moves on and lives a better life, than the loser who is seen truly for who they are: a cheater.

 

 

Keep Your Nose High

One thing I’ve learned in business is that no matter how much you validate that your actions are for the greater good, in the end, you know you’re mainly just looking out for yourself, right?

Numero Uno, the popular ones, more business, more money, more promoters, more media. But in the end, it’s all about the money, too.

A majority of individuals that I work with I find are highly manipulative, only concerned about their well-being (with only an exception of one or two individuals – such good souls), who are cheaters, liars. Perfect combo to get into business, I suppose. No matter how much my manager assures that he/she is looking out for our backs, in the end, it was obvious that my well-being was of no concern. Now I understand that you should not mix business with personal affairs. Despite this fact, in the end, it is personally what you believe in or how you feel about yourself that will depend on your performance on doing your job. BUT BUSINESS HAS NO ROOM FOR SETBACKS. Remember that.

I believe now that business is truly not something I should pursue a career in. I do not believe in it’s morale, period.

I suppose I am a bit sour just because. I’m too sensitive to work in business, that is clear. I need to finish my degree and pursue a different path for myself so that I can be more productive in something that I want to do, rather than something that I do not want to do. I hate that I am stuck in this job, but in the end I need it for my family. For sometime I was a tad depressed because I was just not happy with my job. The reasons are as follows:

1. The morale behind pushing products to clients is frustrating. Personally, I am too introspective, meaning I am walking too much in the client’s shoes rather than the company’s.

2. I love the job only because I love interacting with people. That is my strongest suit. I love making them feel special when they come in, because in the end, they are.

3. My assistant manager is very strong-headed. He/she is not afraid to make you look like an idiot in front of a client. How professional.

4. I am a free spirit. As important as it is to be professional for clients, I believe it is important to let loose now and then. Please dear colleagues/manager/asst. manager, take that stick out of your ass.

Fcukyou. ❤

Enjoy life because you only live once.

Banana Split

5:41 a.m

I’m up early, getting ready to go to work for 8:00 a.m It sucks.
Jamming to some Neon Trees [of course] AND Soundgarden and eating a banana, yum. So, referencing back to my old post regarding eating healthy and maintaining a clean diet, I have decided to get back to my fit, healthy self by cutting out all processed carbohydrates, sweets and treats, and eating completely clean. I’ve stacked my pantry and fridge this past weekend with healthy foods with natural sugars and vitamins.

Today is Day 1:

Breakfast: Banana with soy milk
Lunch: Salad with tsp balsamic vinegar, 1 handful almonds
Dinner: Nothing

Now, when you look at this, I’m sure your mouths are dropping with concern that it is too little to eat. Well, I just want to see how this turns out, and this is only Day One. I will incorporate chicken and fish into my meal as well (no beef) and gradually add more carbs. It looks tough, but I think I can do it.

Currently listening to Soundgarden‘s “Truly, Madly, Deeply”, it’s been awhile since I’ve heard these guys. My father is a huge classic rock/blues/oldies lover and used to play them on the weekends with his other collection. He actually used to play in a band awhile ago, which is probably why he keeps his music interests alive.